Hello Beautiful Soul,

Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t really want to do? Do you feel a constant pull to keep everyone happy, even when it means putting your own needs last? You’re not alone. So many of us were raised to believe that being “good” meant being selfless—quietly putting others’ needs before our own, even when it left us feeling exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from ourselves.

If you’re nodding along, knowing this all too well, I want to tell you: It’s okay to let go of the constant people-pleasing. It’s okay to prioritise yourself without feeling guilty. It’s time to reclaim the self you have pushed down, honour your needs, and recognise that self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential.

This blog is for you if you’ve been yearning to break free from the cycle of putting yourself last, if you’re tired of feeling like you need to earn others’ approval, or if you’re ready to discover the joy and freedom of saying “yes” to yourself. Together, we’ll explore how to shift from people-pleasing to self-respect, with practical steps to help you start choosing you.

Let’s dive into the journey of reclaiming your energy, one empowered choice at a time. You deserve this.

You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no ~Tiny Budha

I remember the first time I said ‘no’.

No! to people-pleasing the people closest to me. It was terrifying. Being the eldest, the responsible one, the one that just did, because it was perceived as the right thing to do, and let’s face it – i was so worried I wouldn’t be liked or I would be talked about, that I generally did everything. As I close my eyes, I can feel the utter distain and bewilderment from those who were so used to me ‘just doing’…and now I didn’t

Finally having the courage to say No, was and is a game changer.

The courage to know who you are, can be liberating and scary AF ~Nichol

Today, we’re diving into a topic that so many of us know all too well: people-pleasing. It’s something that can feel ingrained in us, part of our identity even—but it doesn’t have to be. We’ve been conditioned, especially as women, to put others first. We’ve been praised for being “selfless,” accommodating, and agreeable. But what happens when we stop? What happens when we begin to say “no” and start choosing what’s best for us? I won’t lie, we can feel like a complete asshole!

Let’s explore the steps to breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing and taking back our energy and our power. Today, I’ll share tips to help you prioritise yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. It’s time to feel a little messy mixed in with a whole heap of discomfort. But in saying this, please remember it’s not selfish—it’s self-care, and it’s necessary.

What is People-Pleasing, and Why Do We Do It?

People-pleasing can look like saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” avoiding conflict at all costs, or bending over backward to make everyone happy. While these actions might bring temporary peace, they often lead us to neglect our own needs, boundaries, and desires. People-pleasing can come from:

• Conditioning: We’ve been raised to believe that “good” people put others first.
• Fear of Disapproval: We worry about rejection or criticism if we assert ourselves.
• Seeking Validation: We want to feel needed or appreciated, so we put others’ needs above our own.

Confession time: I now know that I had (and still have to an extent) a fear of disapproval & an enormous desire to seek validation – I now get that this comes from a deep sense of not valuing myself and needing to find it elsewhere… (when that nugget drops and you have the stark realisation that this has governed your life – it can be the kick in the ass needed to look a little deeper)

Over time, these habits can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of our authentic selves. But you can break free from these patterns.

5 steps to help you break away from old patterns

Step 1: Recognise the Patterns

Awareness is the first step. Start noticing when you say “yes” out of obligation rather than desire. Ask yourself questions like:

• Why am I saying yes? Is it out of genuine interest, or am I worried about disappointing someone?
• How do I feel afterward? Are you left feeling drained, resentful, or wishing you’d said no?
• Am I doing this for me? Look on from a place of observation, rather than attachment. Is this for me?

Journaling can be a powerful tool here. Take note of moments when you people-please. Notice any patterns—maybe it’s always with certain people, or maybe it’s in situations where you feel pressured to prove yourself.

Try this: Set a goal to journal about a specific situation where you chose yourself instead of pleasing someone else. Reflect on how it felt in the moment versus how it feels now. Over time, you’ll see your progress and become more comfortable with putting your needs first.

Step 2: Reframe Your Beliefs Around Boundaries

We’ve been taught that setting boundaries is selfish, but the truth is, boundaries are a form of self-respect. Boundaries protect our energy, time, and emotional well-being, allowing us to show up fully in the areas of life that matter most.

One way to reframe boundaries is by seeing them as a means to honour the relationships that truly matter. When you’re clear about what you can give, you’re not over-extending yourself or secretly harbouring resentment.

Practical Tip: Try using language that is gentle but firm when setting boundaries. Instead of saying, “I can’t do that,” try “I would love to, but I need to focus on some other commitments right now.” This communicates your limits without apologising for them.

Step 3: Learn the Art of Saying “No”

Saying “no” is challenging, especially if you’re used to being the “yes” person. But each time you say no to something that doesn’t serve you, you’re saying yes to your well-being. Think of it this way—saying no is just making space for the things that align with your priorities and energy.

When you say no, you’re not letting anyone down; you’re simply respecting your own needs.

Practical Tip: Start with small “no’s” to build your confidence. For example, if a friend invites you to something you’re not interested in, decline politely but firmly. Over time, this will become more natural, and you’ll feel less obligated to say yes just to keep the peace.

Step 4: Practice Self-Compassion

Breaking out of people-pleasing can feel uncomfortable and even guilt-inducing. That’s okay—it’s part of the process. Be gentle with yourself as you learn these new patterns. Self-compassion is essential; recognise that you’re doing the best you can.

Each time you choose yourself, you’re rewriting years of conditioning. Celebrate even the smallest wins, and know that each step you take brings you closer to a life that feels truly yours.

Reflection Exercise: After setting a boundary or saying no, take a moment to check in with yourself. Acknowledge the courage it took to prioritise yourself. Notice if you feel more empowered or relieved afterward—these feelings are signs you’re on the right path.

Step 5: Align Your Actions with Your Values

When you align your actions with your true values, people-pleasing starts to fade naturally. Think about what really matters to you. What are your non-negotiables? Where do you want to direct your energy?

For example, if personal growth and health are your priorities, then sacrificing your time to please others may feel increasingly out of sync with your core values. Instead, focus on ways you can honour those values in your daily life, creating more space for the things that genuinely fulfil you.

Practical Tip: Make a list of your top five values and post it somewhere you’ll see it often. Before saying yes to something, check if it aligns with these values. If not, it may be time to respectfully decline.

My Journey Away from People-Pleasing

I know how difficult it can be to move away from people-pleasing. For years, I found myself constantly saying yes, even when it left me feeling stretched thin, burnt out and even questioning my values & morals. There were times when I wanted to say no but felt I didn’t have the “right” to. Letting go of those beliefs wasn’t easy, but with each small step, I learned that honouring my own needs wasn’t just important—it was transformative. It was liberating!

What I found on the other side was a deeper connection to myself. I began to trust myself more, to feel more grounded, and to see the ripple effect of this change in my relationships. Saying no when it’s needed, and yes only when it feels right, has allowed me to live with more intention, peace, and purpose.

Embracing Your Worth

Breaking free from people-pleasing is about more than setting boundaries; it’s about embracing your inherent worth. You deserve to make choices that nourish your body, mind, and spirit. Each time you honour your needs, you’re taking a step closer to living a life that’s truly yours.

I hope these steps offer some guidance as you move away from people-pleasing and into a space of self-respect and self-compassion. Remember, this is a journey—it takes time, patience, and a lot of self-love. But you are absolutely worthy of this transformation.

Challenge for the Week:

For the next week, focus on just one of these steps. Perhaps it’s noticing when you people-please or practicing small no’s. Journal your experiences, and if you’re comfortable, share them with our community. Let’s celebrate each step toward reclaiming our power!

With love, light and encouragement,
Nic xx

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P.S. Ready to dive deeper? If you’re feeling called to explore this journey with support, reach out. I’m here to help you find a balance that honours your needs and strengths. Let’s connect, and together we’ll create a path that feels authentically yours. Email: nichol@nicholstark.com.au or via my website contact page: https://nicholstark.com.au/contact-nichol-stark-coaching/